No one knows what is going on in his mind. No one will ask what is on his mind. No one will help him free the rage that builds inside. He is two characters now, showing one side to the actual side of his mind. He’s scared, shattered. He won’t ask for the help. He’s done so much on his own but it’s time to ask for help. But he won’t. He won’t…
His mind is at ease. He hasn’t really felt sadness. Only when he’s working. His thoughts overwhelm him but a song is heard from the distance and the feeling fades. Maybe he will grow confidence to do things that he didn’t want to do in the first place. He will see.
He found bliss and happiness last night when he got that text. He wanted to cry tears of joy. He finds a sense of control of his mind when the person talks to him. He thinks that the person doesn’t know but they will know in due time. His rage isn’t shown anymore. His anger has subdued. Is it actually the time to bring in the friends? Has his independence finally started to kick in? Paying bills, making money, thinking of moving in. Is it all the start of the future? Should he be scared? Of course but he needs to show confidence. He’s got this. He will shape this future that he wants to have. He will choose to talk to his friends more again but they have to know that he’s working at night so they won’t usually hear from him until the afternoon. Everyone thinks that he is always with his friends. He’s actually sleeping, waking up, getting ready for work, going to wait for the remainder of the time before work. This is what he wanted to do. Work then play. Not play then work. Thinking is what he does at work. All he can think about is missing the ones that matter to him. His motivation, he will get it all done so he can see them faster. He will be there for the two friends for sure. He can’t wait for Friday. He can’t wait for the following Sunday. And he can’t wait for the Friday after the following Sunday. Everything is going to make him fill with happiness. Happiness.
A loss for a poor soul. He can’t find his ways without his one of two friends that made him whole. They meant the world to him. They still do. He misses them more and more each day. Searching for a sense of peace in his mind, will he find it? That he will in due time. Just a couple of more things to figure out and he says he will be ready for anything. But his anger and rage gets caged inside. The animal begins to change him when something irritates him. His care for the world around him begins to deteriorate. Washing away the ones he cares for before before they get in the splash zone. He can take the pain of a man but the pain of a woman, the pain of a woman changes him. He will go back to his head and cry in his mind. The only way he can get his tears out. If someone held him and said “let it out,” his tears will come to life. What he needs to do is let it all out. But, will he find a way? Will he find a way soon before it’s too late?
Feel like I need to say something before I push myself to the limits yet again on the same thing that attacks me a lot. I really do hate the passionate feeling. Messes with my head every time. When you can’t stop thinking about someone, is that bad? Because that’s the number one thing that’s on my mind every day. Try to think of something or someone else and that person pops up again and again. Liking someone and I always get put into the friendzone like always. And this is why I gave up on trying to find “the one” a long time ago. Not even look for a relationship because I’m the person that’s been nice and I’m always there for them. Apparently I screw up somewhere every time. Who’s gonna help me huh?! Who’s going to help me with the hardest thing for me to say to that girl I like, “I like you. Will you go out with me?” Nooo, I can’t grow the balls and say it because what if I screw up somewhere? I’m always negative on the whole process of doing it. I just saw my closest bro get his heart ripped out. I don’t want that fucking feeling. I am going to be there for him no matter what. He would do the same for me if I was in that situation. The bad thing is is that the guys hold in the emotions while the women drop the whole load of emotions. I’m going to see a different guy when I see him like I’ve seen in my other closest bros. One have up and is just trying to work his ass off. The other drinks the pain away so much he has become an alcoholic. and another hides behind doors. I see the pain in everyone’s eyes. They say I can’t but, I know when someone holds something in. I don’t talk to people face to face for a reason. They are hurt by something and I can see it but I don’t know what to do at the time. All I can do is observe and try and not make that happen again. I can see the pain in their laughter. I can see it in their happiness. What am I to do when all I want is the independence of my head? What am I to do when I want someone to hold when I feel down? I don’t mean like a ten second hug or something. I mean a whole long time of holding. You want to see me cry, hold me and just say “let it out” repeatedly. I have barely cried since I lost my grandfather. I was a blank canvas for a long time until I had people that showed that they cared and showed their true emotions around me. The canvas became a little artistic again. But shoving someone away took everything away again. And then it came back and left about the same amount of time the canvas went blank from the colors last time. I need someone to hold me and tell me to let it out. But it can’t be just anyone. It has to be the one that helped me find my emotions the second time. The one that helped me through losing someone. If they read this, I just want them to say one thing in a text. “I am here.” It’s a simple text but I’m hoping they will see this. It will change my head around so much. The power that this person has had on me significantly changed me. Changed me to be better. They made me feel whole again. All of the long nights and the staring blankly at my ceiling just thinking and this person would just make me feel a whole lot better.
I think this act of rage was because of my bro getting his heart ripped out. Well, I’m going to try and fix it. But if I do get that “I am here.” Text, I will know. I will know that trying this independent thing is good but what you told me to do is also good. I will go back to helping and talking with everyone soon but, an act of fixing myself needs to happen first. That text will send my head above the ground that I’m currently sinking in because of the rage.